EtherJournal

Unix command of the day

2005-01-18T19:40:11Z

In Unix now.. get this..

The manual (help) command is
man

you follow it with the command you wish to find out about. Our example was
man date

How funny is that. Now I'll get back to listening to this mummy tell us how to count in base 8, 12, 16, etc. I love wasting my time!!

ethermagus @ 2005-01-17T04:43:00

2005-01-17T09:44:00Z

[01] Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
[02] I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.
[03] Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
[04] Last, i will try to name a single word that best describes you.
[05] Put this in your journal.

Update

2005-01-12T04:09:34Z

Long time since I posted last..

Don't care to post much now..

Cancelled my Final Fantasy XI account, no time..

Can't log into Adventure Quest, something wrong in the path..

Tyler broke it off with me today, guess he needs time to.. something..

ethermagus @ 2004-12-21T07:35:00

2004-12-21T12:41:23Z

Alright.. So I'll bite the hook too but I'll change it..

Recomend to me:
1. A movie I should see
2. Music that I should hear
3. An activity I should engage in

Ask of me:
3 questions, I will answer.. within reason.

(~_^)

2004-12-13T01:57:12Z

You Are a "Wink"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

ethermagus @ 2004-12-12T20:45:00

2004-12-13T01:45:42Z

Your Dominant Intelligence is Intrapersonal Intelligence

Reflective and thoughtful, you enjoy spending time alone.
You are good at analyzing yourself - and knowing your true feelings.
Totally self aware, you are in tune with your dreams and desires.
A spiritual and philopsophical person, your inner calmness inspires and helps others.

You would make a great philosopher, researcher, or theorist.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

ethermagus @ 2004-12-12T20:37:00

2004-12-13T01:38:55Z

Scorpio - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted

Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover

You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in

Your negative traits:

You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover

You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship

You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on

Your ideal partner:

Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task!

Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed.

Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis.

Your dating style:

Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date.

Your seduction style:

Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real.

You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves

A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it.

Tips for the future:

Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are

Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you*

Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive.

Best place to meet someone online:

eHarmony - your best bet at screening out untrustworthy people

Best color to attract mate: Dark red

Best day for a date: Tuesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Another weekend, another post

2004-12-13T01:32:00Z

Well, another week has passed and the world has continued to spin.

I have completely decided that I am wearing my rings outside my shirt now. I figure that I can defeat the workplace rumors by confronting them directly, yet do it passively. If anyone asks what they are, I shall tell them, but wearing them out gets me comfortable for that point in time.

Class went well Thursday. Fixed one project, completed another, took a test, bolted. Went out that night to Nichole and Tony's, had Tyler along. We watched Hero and cuddled a bit on the couch. It was a nice time indeed. I tried to get Ty home in time for me to get proper sleep for work the next day, but he had something to tell me. While I love his honesty, I wish he wouldn't place himself in situations where he would have to tell me things that will hurt me emotionally.. it causes me to rear back a little. And when Scorpios rear back... they prepare to strike. I resist those urges, I hope he will resist his Sagittarian urges as well. Anyway, we talked through it.. I hope we're finally on the same page with regards to this issue. I managed to get him home in time for me to get just under 3 hours of sleep Thursday night.

Friday was work, then 'Vincent,' then 'Vince.' 'Vincent' was a one man play about the life of Vincent VanGoh. Nicely executed, simple set, good lines, good company. I enjoyed it greatly. From there Vince was celebrating his birthday at Bambi's, so I went. Though I couldn't stay long, I had a good time. Ty got to meet more of the people who mean a lot to me and a couple people from school were able to show up as well. Tyler showed affection; something I wish he could do more freely without it leading to.. well.. parhaps in time. Eric regailed Mary with dead baby jokes. The DJ played one of my tracks.. and then it was time to leave.

Saturday I had to work. Got out about 6:30. I asked Ty to call me at 5:15/5:30 and we couuld hang out. When I called him, he was just waking.. it's nice to sleep.. I suppose. When I arrived to pick him up, I interacted directly or indirectly with every member of his house, but perhaps one cat. Frustrating. I don't think I left good impressions. Alex was his standard indifferent self. His dad's only word near me was 'ironic.' His mom sent his sister in to get me to move my car out of the driveway so she could pull in. His sister called me Ryan. His cat stared at me. His dog was friendly this time, hope he remembers me next time. We went out to do some of my Christmas shopping for friends. Then it was time to drop him back off. I decided to check out a work party and arrived to a house where noone answered the door.. oh well, I only wanted to make an appearance anyway. Then I went off to Nichole and Tony's again. We watched a little movie action, the animals were all over me, we talked a little, I napped a little.. before I knew it, it was 2:30am. Went home and got the first decent night's sleep in a while.. not great, but decent is a high mark right now.

Sunday my sister wanted to do Christmas shopping for my mom.. and thus we did. I also came out to her. I hoped she would have been more vocal with me when I told her, but I think she's okay with it. Also, when we were shopping, we went to Hot TOpic and they had a sale to end all sales. Clearance items (already 50% off) were an additional 50% off. If you get to $150 they knock 25% off the whole thing. Needless to say, I got nothing for myself, but my sister got 4 pairs of pants, a skirt, 4 shirts, and 2 hoodies. Man, I wish I had a brother like me. Wonder how much text books will be for next semester.

ethermagus @ 2004-12-12T19:11:00

2004-12-13T00:12:26Z

You Are Green Tea Pocky

Your attitude: natural and zen
Peaceful yet full of life. Deep and thoughtful.
You're halfway to tantric bliss!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

Haiku 5-7-5

2004-12-10T14:01:47Z

Sleep is fleeting now.
Complex thoughts choke me slowly.
Why can't time be kind?!

---

Haiku.. simple form.
Please reply in kind with heart.
Time for work.. damn it.

a moment of serenity

2004-12-08T13:56:43Z

I decided it was definately time to tell my supervisor. Sometimes the best place to be is in plain sight.

I was definately a bit nervous, but I already knew she was going to lean to my side and I had mentioned this sort of topic in my annual review earlier in the year. I approached it from the standpoint that people were still being rude in their comments and that the comments now include me as part of the topic.. and went from there.

The short version of our conversation is that she was as mad as me.. well, not really, but she was about as mad as she could be in this situation. She said she had to find out what she needs to do next.

I'm considering wearing my rings out. It will be my subtle way of not being in the closet at work anymore, yet not coming out either. A minor statement that this is who I am and that I always have been, without saying a word. I think it allows me the greatest freedom in my actions and dignity in my professionalism. Then people can ask what it is and I can tell them, "Pride rings, they're a symbol of diversity and acceptance." And if anyone comes right out and asks if I'm gay, the answer should be, "yes," stated as a fact. I haven't decided this to be the path to follow yet though.

By having them out, some could say that I am inviting insult or that I an egging them on. I certainly do not wish to cause problems in the workplace. While I realize I am too valuable to lose, I still don't wish to create a workplace environment in which I am focusing more on defense than on work.

I also realize, with every phone call they get from a loved one, or every comment them make about their family, I am entitled to the same luxury. The rings would be a small step toward my attainment of that privellege.

Thoughts??

ethermagus @ 2004-12-08T08:04:00

2004-12-08T13:05:03Z

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world.
And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly.

Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life.
You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful.

You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person.
With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

ethermagus @ 2004-12-08T07:59:00

2004-12-08T12:59:16Z

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.

You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

a Resolution of sorts..

2004-12-07T12:51:36Z

After thinking on the topic quite a bit, and checking my employee handbook, I've decided that my best course of action is to tell my direct supervisor. It will involve me outting myself to her, but I know she will be decent about it.

I am also considering being more open about it in the workplace. At first I won't push the envelope, but the moment something is said, I'll be comfortable enough to retort in kind. Perhaps I shall simply start wearing my rings out instead of in.

I think most people see outting as a verbal instance where, in my case, I would sit them down and tell them. Well, since it's the workplace and I feel they're not worth my paid time for such matters, I shall simply be an exclmation mark, making a statement without saying a word. If someone asks about the necklace, I'll tell them what it signifies, acceptance and diversity. I shall perhaps also call them by their name, pride rings. If they don't put 2 and 2 together, then they may ask further. If not, I shall not pursue.

For every comment they can make about their husband, boyfriend, child, marriage, etc. I should be entitled to make a similar comment about my life. Of course I feel they go overboard and I won't go as far as they do, but I can use that to my advantage. Imagine Rayman's face when he begins telling us about the more base elements of his relationship with his wife when I stop him and say, "Rayman, before you continue, would you want to hear the same conversation about me and Tyler?"

It's going to be a tough road to walk, but as an employee, I am too valuable to lose and I know I do good work. Moreover, if I am mistaken in that statement, I can afford, from pocket, to finish my degree, at a faster pace than I could working full time. Both paths are good. All I must do is take a step and accept that as the EtherMagus, there is no potential that I cannot manipulate to my benefit.

If all goes well with today's conversation and I decide to be open at work, that leaves only my sister who I should tell. I'm planning to do that this Christmas season, when she and I go shopping for my mom's gifts. I haven't decided the details yet, but I've still got a couple weeks to figure those out.

BTW, how do I change the icons for moods??

"Are you Dav's boy?"

2004-12-06T10:22:29Z

What a weekend!!

Friday was a little rough, but ended up wonderful. At work, Rayman continued to show how much of an ass he can be. One of the Nursing staff picked up line 1 (for Distribution use only) and had to page overhead that it was for me. Why she picked it up, I don't know, but she didn't put them on hold correctly. As such, I had to go hunt down the call. Once I found that it was on the back drawing room wall, she asked if it was "Frank Hertz, with a Z." I was horrified that she would ask such a question and thought I heard her wrong, so I asked her to repeat herself. She did. I asked her again to repeat herself, with a stern look, allowing her to back out of it. She repeated herself again and added that it was a joke from earlier. Scanning across the room, I saw only one person laughing with her.. Rayman. Needless to say, I was more than pissed.. so I went back to work.

That night, we had LARP. I really wanted to run to Tyler's side for support or pull him aside to ground myself, but I couldn't. His brother was there and I still don't know if he knows about us. I'd assume he does, he's not a dim bulb, but I can't take that risk for Ty's sake. I really wasn't feeling LARP and we all decided to end that game and turn our attentions to other things to do with the room, since winter would have made it difficult to LARP anyway.

We all called it a night and went our relatively separate ways. Aaron, Ryan, Ty, and I all went to Ryan's. We watched Big Fish. Admittedly, I think I may have dozed off during it. Tiredness caught up to me and I felt comfort in Ty's arms with my friends around. Aaron went home after the movie and Ryan allowed us privacy. The next morning, Ryan made us breakfast and we continued to hang out a bit longer.

Saturday, I dropped Ty off at his house sometime after 4. I went home, got a shower, a bit to eat, and took an unexpected, but much appreciated, nap. We met up again about 7, though I was a little late. We went to see Without a Paddle with Gon and his girlfriend. The movie was better than I had expected, the theatre was kinda crowded, and we just watched the movie.

After the movie, I had plans to go to the bar, so off we went. It started off dead, but at some magical moment, it seemed like everyone appeared and the drinks seemed extra potent. Friends approached me, asking if Ty is my boyfriend. One even approached him and asked him if he was my boy. I was elated to hear him say yes. She told him that he better take care of me or she'd come after him. he heh. I doubt the would do anything, but sometimes lesbians can have a menacing way about their speech even if they don't mean it.

After the bar, I dropped Aaron off at home. And Ty and I made our way back to his van. We sat and talked for hours, laying our seats back to lay as we spoke. I only wished I had a sunroof, so we could have looked up to the stars together.

I love the interaction of his astrological sign (Sagittarius) with mine (Scorpio). He told me that I calm him and he told me how much he cares about me, though I won't go into detail. He can if he wants. ^_^ It was a spectacular night, I couldn't have asked for more.

Of course, I didn't do homework Sunday like I should have. And here I am getting ready for work for the 6am shift. While I'll get out early, I'll have to nap (only got 3 hours sleep last night) and then do my homework. I can't wait until this semester is over.

3 over 5

2004-12-02T06:21:15Z

Today was a pretty rough day. I knew I'd have a busy day, going from work to school to working on a group project. I didn't anticipate events at work making things harder to cope with.

Today was pizza day and Larry brought in donuts for everyone. While that sounds great, I eat neither pizza nor donuts. Early on it felt like "exclusion day" to me. If I didn't have to work , I could have gone out and had a good day, yet I was bound to my duties.. excluded. While I was doing some data entry I overheard the conversation of a loud speaking co-worker, Rayman Hayes. Rayman was talking to Pam and said somehting to the effect of...

"So my daughters said, 'Mom, get the dog, he's being gross!' Since then she's seen him doing it a couple more times. Guess I might have to go buy him a purple spiked collar."

At this point, I should note that I have brought in my purple collar to work and they have all seen it. Also, there seem to be rumors going around that I'm coming out soon. While I couldn't pin the rumors on him, I had heavy suspicion.

Once I heard him leave the area, I asked Pam what the girls were grossed out by. She told me that the calf had been nursing and the dog went out to the barn. Since the calf was hungry, it approached the dog, male, who obviously had only one thing that would seem to a calf to give it the sustenance it sought. Of course, Pam wasn't this eloquent. I laughed and went to the next room to get pissed off.

That's right, I was compared to a dog, getting head from a calf. I wasn't sure what part of that offended me most. I spent the remainder of the day keeping myself occupied so as to not put myself in a compromising situation. Even now, I can't explain the rage I felt.

I decided I needed to go into logic mode to protect myself from any trouble. Since I knew he didn't hear me, he wouldn't be approaching me anytime soon. It was time for some craft work.

Using numerology, I used the first letters of Logic and Emotion, getting 3 and 5. By placing 3 over 5, I was able to remind myself that I needed to not blow up and to just get things done. I wrote it out to manifest it in reality. Placing it in the pocket closest to my heart, I kept it close and looked at it when I needed reenforcement. At one point, I even said it aloud, "three over five, three, over five." While it did nothing to change the situation, it helped me get through the day, and that was all I really needed.

I think people often lose focus on the purpose of magic. Many would have let emotion rule them and acted out. With magic at their disposal, they could have done all sorts of things to Rayman. But no, I wasn't about to take the backlash of karma. I held my emotions and lived them, but used magic to bind my anger so it wouldn't lash out.

I also left my phone at home, so calling anyone while I was at lunch was out of the question. I did get my family to drop it off later though. I sent an e-mail to Ty and he replied when he got it. Sometimes it's really nice to have someone to lean on, if just a little.

I don't know what, if anything, I will do about Rayman. If I tell my supervisor, it's almost an admition of my sexuality. While I feel she'd be okay with it, I also don't know if I want to have to deal with the treatment I would get from co-workers, such as Jeri Kuzowski, who once told me that all gays should leave the country.

For now, I'll keep my rings under my shirt, keep my heart sheltered from hate, keep my purpose at work close to my practice, keep my faith that mankind is flawed, and keep on getting stronger. What does not kill me can only make me stronger. I hope I won't kill them by mistake when I must use my strength in my own defense.

Such good friends..

2004-11-30T05:58:15Z

Saturday I had planned to take Tyler to Ann Arbor to show him a more tolerant town. When I made this plan, he was still seeing both Chris and I and I planned to go regardless of what happened between us, be it as friends or more. I hoped to bu him his first set of pride rings. Mine bring me strength in the face of adversity in a society that sometimes crushes people without a second thought. I wanted him to have a piece of that same strength since I know how tough the world can get to be. Also, I attach dignity to them, and I always want him to act in a dignified manner. I don't allow myself to be with just anyone after all. And even if he weren't in my life in this same role, I'd want him to not follow the path of the common "fag."

Fortunately, we were able to take the trip as more then just friends. We held hands during the ride and he rested his head oon my shoulder for part of the trip. Whether he knows it or not, that means so much to me. It's those little things that make me want to go through hell for him. We had Aaron along with us. I figured it was perhaps better that way so our trip didn't turn into a crazed make out session in a parking garage.

We hit the gay bookstore first, I wanted to be sure he had the rings. With Aaron there, it was perhaps a little awkward, but he did well to not be too close at the right times, though, he did almost catch a little side comment made by one of us regarding some other time we had spent together. When they both looked like they were done looking around I asked if they were and tried to buy my rings witout being too terribly noticed. Once in the street, I reached in the bag and passed Tyler his rings, standard colors, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple. This one had a black chain, unlike the other I owned at home, so I gont one for myself as well. We both put them on in the streets and exchanged a smile.

Earlier we had realized that none of us had gotten to breakfast and here it was around noonish. Aaron suggested Mongolian Barbecue. Neither I nor Tyler had ever been there before, so it was a good option. I had a Long Island with my meal and told Tyler it would be okay if he 'accidentally' grabbed the wrong glass and drank some. Of course, I'm not condoning the comsumption of alcohol by those not of legal age. ~_^ Good company and good food always makes for a good meal. As such, it was a good meal.

We also hit Wizzywig, where I picked up a Mr Sparkle tee shirt for my sister and exposed Ty to the Wall O' Import Candy. I picked up some Pocky and gummies for him. What I would usually have gotten for myself if I hadn't given up candy.

From there we went towards Pinball Pete's, skipping the area that used to house the Cat's Meow. I figured that gives us more to see another time. On the way there, we went into the gaming store above Pete's. They were under new management and I was really disappointed in the stock, so we headed downstairs. I'm not sure if Ty was ever in an arcade that size before, but I quickly led him to the DDR machines. While we were there Aaron and I played a couple rounds of House of the Dead. Head shots didn't seem to work on these zombies... so I was madly unloading clips of bullets into those flesh devouring fiends, gangsta style, yo! We all tried to play the little known Dungeons and Dragons trivia arcade game. That's right.. it sucks as bad as it sounds, but I thought with three of us we would own it. After I burned through the first quarter, I decided it wasn't worth saving the ninja to go another round. Sepuku!! Then I hit some Fogger action. I used to be much better, I think the stick was a little off. Low on quarters, we headed out of the arcade and back towards the car.

I took a little different path to the car so the boys could see more of the city. Near the end of our time walking, I held my hand out to Ty in hopes he would take it. He must have thought I wanted the bag he was holding as he extended it to me with a puzzled look. I explained that Ann Arbor was more accepting that Saginaw and wanted to hold his hand. He gave me his hand and we crossed the street. We walked the next couple blocks hand in hand. ^_^ The simple things.

The ride back was fairly uneventful and we held hands where traffic would allow. As Aaron closed his eyes to help with his headache, Ty leaned in and cuddled a little. I really love it when he takes initiative in showing affection.

Back to Saginaw, we stopped at Aaron's then over to Ryan's. At Ryan's seating prevented us from sitting next to each other right away, but when Matt and Holly left, I made my way to the couch and Ty made his way to my side. I wondered if we were being too open about our affection for each other, but Ryan and Aaron didn't seem to mind, so I put my arms around Ty to let him know I was definately into him being that close while we were there. How he can find a nipple through a shirt when his back is turned and do it fast enough that people don't catch on, man.. but you don't want to hear that. ^_^

Bobby showed up later and he helped make us feel more comfortable with being together in front of others. As close as I am to Aaron, and as close as Tyler is to Bobby, it was like having our families accept us, in a wierd sort of way, with Ryan representing our friends. It felt very nice, kinda completing.

I was getting tired and Ty had asked if he could stay thenight out somewhere, so I wasn't going to drag him along with me if he didn't want to, but he came along and we dropped off Aaron at his house.

Again back to Saginaw, we drove a little and I thought it would be a waste of his night free of curfew, so we stopped and got a room. Tired from the day, we layed in each others arms and watched a little TV. I could go on to how the whole night went, but I'd hate to bore you with the details.

Checkout was 11, so we had breakfast and I dropped him off at his house by noon. What a great 26 and a half hours that was.

Thanks Ty. ^_^

Man's role as Hunter

2004-11-27T13:05:24Z

They say spring is when people tend to be intimately attracted to each other, a sort of unconcious return to the fertility cycle of old.

What of men's role as the hunter historically. What does his deeply rooted need to fill the role of the hunter do to the mind of man? Does it cause him to seek out game as winter quickly approaches, to have enough to fill the needs of the upcoming winter??

I had a dream last night..

2004-11-25T11:41:04Z

Today I planned to go visit Aaron in MtPleasant and to have Tyler along with me. I figured the ride would be nice and we could talk and when we got to Aaron's, I figured I'd pop in Romeo and Juliet so we could cuddle.

Damn the snow! Damn it all to hell!! Because of the snow, it really wasn't a safe trek to head out to MtP. Instead we decided to hang out locally and that would just have to be good enough.

We started what could be considered a second date, though it was never officially declared as such, by going to Barnes and Noble. We each grabbed a book of interest and Ty made his way to a corner to sit. Seeing as my book had the word "Gay" in the title and that there was someone else near Tyler, I sat on the floor and read. Ty made his way back and I explained why I didn't go sit with him. He was looking through the occult/spirituality/mysticism section which is right next to the gay interest books. The only way that store could have been better is if they placed the roleplaying and manga sections there as well. We discussed the Sephiroth, numerology, and touched on other topics. There wasn't a decent tree of life to be found in those texts, so Ty suggested we find a net connection at SVSU.

At SVSU, we found a lecture room that was open, jacked in, and I showed him a decent one. We spent some time there and eventually decided security would be making rounds, so we decided to head out for dinner.

Bennigans had only a few patrons, so we felt a little more comfortable in our skins and we began talking a little more freely than we have been able to in public. When we were done with dinner, I suggested we go get coffee. We never got that far.

I kinda planned that we'd kiss tonight. Well, what a sloppy experience that was. I think we'll have to work on it a bit more. ^_^ Anyway.. kissing became making out pretty quickly.

We still made an attempt at coffee, but we didn't make it out there.. instead we drove for a bit, it was really nice. I'll gloss over the ride.. I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. As the bars were closing, we saw Josh, so we stopped and said hello.

Then we rode to WalMart so I could buy chapstick and batteries. We sat in the lot a bit and talked more, Ty shared things with me that were at the core of his soul, burning elements of his life I won't share with anyone, but I'm very glad he felt he could share with me.

Being very late at that point, we thought he should be getting back. On the ride back, I asked if it would be inapropriate for me to call him my boyfriend. He let me know that would be fine. After tonight, I have a feeling we'll be together for a good long time. I hope I never wake from this dream.

Thanks Ty. ~_^

Mandate 5

2004-11-19T13:51:29Z

Dating has always been an odd concept to me. I've seen the old TV shows and their concepts on dating, and it seems so natural for them. Of course they're actors, playing the role of someone on a date and have no vested interest to be concerned about. I haven't been on many dates myself, so I don't have a lot of previous data to work off of. So, what does one DO on a date?!

It seems the purpose of a date is to get to know the other person better. But what if you already know the other person to some degree.

Thus far, I can remember 3 dates in my past.. I have a nagging feeling there was a 4th, but I don't remember it offhand.

The first to come to mind was Ian. He was an interesting fellow, but a bit too "out" there for me at the time I knew him. I remember he had an adorable dog named Bootelier. He asked me out by asking me if i wanted to GO WITH HIM to Denny's. I said sure, and he wasn't sure if I got the point of the question. I think he asked about 4 times, then he told a friend of mine (Dan H) that he liked me. Dan wasn't the sort to understand the intricacies of male-male relationships.. may have been the marajuanna in his system of his delightful nievety, but he really had a hard time understanding why Ian told him that. Anyway, the date was pretty awkward for me. Again, I have no real clue what I'm supposed to do and there I was, scared to death of the heterosexual population around me at that moment. We went off to the restroom, where he kissed me. Wow. Anyway, someone walked in.. Ian quickly started talking about a car or something.. smooth! Nothing more happened with it that night. I think I wasn't ready to be emotionally invested.

Second in notability was Kris. That's right, spelled like the ritual dagger! He was an upbeat fun guy. Very organized, neat, friendly. On our date, we went to a coffee house near SVSU that doesn't exist anymore. As we sat chatting, a nearby patron introduced himself as my 3rd grade teacher. How awkward was that?! I felt like I kinda had to be more discreet in my dialogue at that point, but I got through the date. I thought the date went well, though I don't really remember anything of note regarding it. What I do recall is within 2 days after that point, a friend of mine began seeing him. It was a situation where we all went out to the bar and afterwards we all went to Howard Johnson's. At HoJo's, the two of them sat together.. at a different table. I thought nothing of it, we were all friends. Then another friend told me that they were "together." How incredibly rude. It bothers me to this day. Friends don't steal other's love interests; And to do it behind my back, yet physically right in front of me. That was the night that I declared to myself to always have my emotions, no matter what they are. They are the one thing that cannot be taken from me and to not feel them is to steal them from myself.

Third was a boy who's name I don't recall. He was a cutie who played organ at a church. He sometimes had questions of faith vs sexuality. We went to Bambi's and had a few drinks. Once we got there, he really worked the room, simply being social, but someone else seemed to take a shining to him. Eventually he came back around and we left at the end of the night. While I don't remember details of the date itself, when I droppedhim back off at his truck, he told me he had a good time and kissed me. It was a pretty nice date in spite of my Scorpio teritoriality kicking in.

I wonder what has happened to each of them. They each had merits that made them worth dating and were decent people. Yes, even ritual dagger Kris!

I guess I shold mention Matt also. While we didn't have a date, prior to his departure to the Army he kept mentioning how horney he was. I realized it was a clear indication of what he wanted, but I don't give in that easy. Anyway, when I dropped him off at his brother's house the night before he shipped out we kissed. No, we didn't kiss. We made out like crazed people, though there was no groping. If he had an hour more to be out.. I think things would really have gone a lot further. Anyway, when he went off, he experimented and didn't seem to care too much for it. I'm not sure what happened, but I can only imagine he was with someone who moved too fast for him. Such a shame.

So yeah.. anyway, I have a date today. While young to the world, he's still a very deep thinker, kinda quiet, fit, and does his best to be witty. Oh, I should mention that before he came out, I used to hit on him quite a bit. How shocked was I when he finally did come out?! I'm pretty excited because I seldom go on dates and it'll give me more knowledge on how they're supposed to work. Of course, I don't think this guy is very worldy in the dating world either. I guess that should work to my benefit. I spent the whole day, 2 days ago, fretting and worrying.. I think too much. Yesterday, I tried to focus on the fact that it's no big deal and that I should just be myself. I think we're going to Red Lobster for lunch. He had also mentioned visiting his gym.. which could be a lot of fun to me. Also, I noticed the museum has an exhibit that could be interesting. We'll have to see how the day goes.

Wish me fun!

ethermagus @ 2004-11-12T08:32:00

2004-11-12T13:36:11Z

If politics and religion are not considered polite conversation in civilized society, then how can we suppose to use them to gauge the civility of man?

My birthday astrology profile

2004-11-03T13:51:02Z

Section 1: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you "sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive. You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words.

Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
One of your greatest assets is your ability to see both sides of an issue, and to negotiate and bring about compromise and reconciliation. Tactful, reasonable, and with considerable social finesse, you work well with people in business as well as in personal relationships. You are objective and somewhat detached from emotional bias, and make an excellent consultant, mediator, or public relations person. You insist upon fairness and seek to bring harmony or at least peaceful coexistence between people, and your diplomacy is a benefit in any business or social situation. You also have fine aesthetic sensitivities and could work in an artistic or cultural environment.

And that's all they tell you for free. Sounds pretty accurate though. Or, at the very least, rather flattering.

Gathering the old to aid in the ushering in of the new..

2004-11-01T01:02:20Z

I'm so fortunate of late. While drama has been a bit higher than I'd like, I've been running into more and more people from my past. Pillars of the elysium of me.

Part of the reason I've been running into so many people is because I'm gathering people to meet me for my birthday. Fortunately, I keep finding people. Is this a sign that all I need do is look for someone and I can find them?? This would be an evident thought, but as people move from your pond, the water ripples don't seem to hit them as easily.

It just occurred to me that I'm typing on LJ at a coffee house that I've avoided going to for quite a while. Seeking solace in that trappings of yesterday, as I plan for a better tomorrow and to soothe the aches of today.

Out of the loop..

2004-10-30T09:42:47Z

Today I showed up for a LARP and was greeted by a player who had asked if I read another players LJ posts recently. Why people think I post to this infernal collection of pulp drama manuscripts, let alone read it, is beyond me. I often wonder why I hear about things in such a form letter manner. It seems if it is important enough for a person to share.. then they could just share it.

I guess I feel kinda hurt that I had to hear it so much later than everyone else. This is a thing that I feel I could have been of some help to a friend in, but I heard last.

Now, don't get me wrong, I never have a strong dialog with this individual, but I try. I really do. I just wish that people could feel more at ease with me and speak to me in a manner of openness. I wish they wouldn't fear what I'll say or do. I try to be mindful of people's emotions in almost all that I do.

Perhaps he could still use my shoulder to cry on, my words to comfort, my advice to guide. Perhaps I could still feel as though I'm of some consequence in the life of one who I count as a friend. Perhaps even he could help me to grow as an individual.

I guess only time will tell and I need to stop obsessing over why I found out so much later than everyone else.

"Is Tikarn gay?"

2004-10-04T02:15:47Z

It's funny the perceptions people have whether they're true or not. Just a few moments ago Kevyn (from FFXI) asked me if Tikarn (from FFXI as well) was gay. Knowing that Tik is pretty open about it, I said yes. Kev said he was just curious and was ready to be done with it when I opened my big mouth. I told him I am too.. and he was taken aback. I guess I thought he knew. I've been trying to be more open about it in certain circles.. but sometimes it's hard to.. I haven't always been open.

Most of my exposure to the gay lifestyle was from a local bar filled with people who I feel are well below my station in social graces. While there were some rare exceptions.. it seemed that the general rule was that I didn't want to be like them. So as time passed I found comfort in the closet.

Recently, I discovered that one of my close friends (we'll call him "R") was referring to me as "big gay" Ether (well, not Ether, but I'm not posting real names here) to people I barely knew. Initially, I was offended that he was effectively outting me to people I didn't know. I try to keep my personal and professional life separate in this issue, and I need to know a person's background before I can feel comfortable with them knowing such details about me. As I discussed it with another friend ("A"), I realized this was R's was of classifying me to describe me more concisely to his friends. As I gained comfort in that, I began to become more bothered in that this was one of the terms he used in the classification for me. He could have used other words, lots of em, I'm a pretty interesting and diverse person.. so why did he choose such a label?! It really began to bother me, I'm not just some gay guy... I'm E.

Further pondering on this matter caused me to realized that in my attempt to not become one of the people I had seen at the bar, I was pretty well closeted. Add to this people at work being intentionally and unintentionally oppressive and you cause contempt and a desire for rebellion to grow in Ether. Of course, introspection is the first and final route (with visits to the outside world in between) for me in all decisions like this. And so the quest began.

If I'd had the foresight to post on here during that journey, you'd have a much more interesting tale, but for now, this is all you get.

I had come to a conclusion that the reason I was offended was because he described me as something that I was trying to hide, perhaps trying not to be even. I didn't want to be gay because I didn't want to be a "fag." But what good is it for an individual to hide that which they are. If you are not true to yourself, you do your creator no justice. And for those of you who don't believe in a creator, you would lack purpose if you were differen't than the role you have in the cosmos. So I'm trying to accept it a bit more. Tikarn helped me get to this point, though he doesn't have a full realization of it. Sometimes a good person can do good work without any effort. This was one of those cases.

So back to perceptions. Kevyn thought Tik might be gay, but he never thought it of me.. perceptions. When I began to talk to him more, Kev thought I was offended and so he explained each comment.. perceptions. I thought R was lessening my self.. perceptions. I thought I couldn't be gay with dignity.. perceptions. And let's not forget the fact that I don't fully know what was going on in anyone else's mind, let alone my own at times.. perceptions.